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So Russell, your worst fears were realised and you were diagnosed with Cancer. Sometimes too much information is too much information because then we Googled all we could about your cancer. It wasn't really a good idea.It gave us facts but gave us no idea of the emotional toll it was going to place on your nearest and dearest.
I contacted a friend of mine who can 'see' things and she told me that other than a very rough road, you were going to be fine and would survive. PMA? Maybe, but she's been known to be right on many, many other occasions.
We skyped a lot to begin with and it was good to chat and see your facial expressions. I could see you were scared and who wouldn't be with what you had yet to face.
Apparently you had decided that my role, being here in Australia, was to be your sounding board. After all, it wasn't life threatening and you didn't want me wasting money on airfares to come over. The best place, you decided, was for me to stay put. Perhaps it was just as well, I think once I'd arrived there I would never have wanted to leave until the end.
I felt relief initially that I wasn't needed and was all prepared for my 'important' role. But it didn't work that way did it? I heard of your preparations so that you would be able to look after yourself while you were being treated. You seemed to have everything under control. I was really impressed with the way you had organised yourself and seemed to be ready for this. You had apparently asked the right questions and knew what you were facing...or so it seemed. It seems that with your PMA you forgot to ask about worse case scenario with your treatment.
We all know about you having to face your fears with 'Hugo'. Now I was starting to get nervous.
Then the shit hit the fan and it all turned to custard...sorry folks but that's the only way to put it. Your body apparently didn't appreciate being filled with poison.
I was really, really lucky. Scott, one of my co-workers, had had cancer, he hadn't been expected to live. He had been through all this and knew what I was talking about. He was kind enough to explain everything, how it was affecting you etc etc and how you'd be feeling. It wasn't until the end of treatments that I found out that I knew more about your chemo reactions than either you or Ruth S did. I also, in my travels as an Avon lady, discovered a lady who lived locally who was Scott's Aunt and she was able to give me some of her emotional background. However, this was my Brother that was now suffering and it didn't stop the concerns. However, it's made me realise how important it is to talk to someone who's been there and come out the other side.
How can I explain the utter frustration and the debilitating, gut wrenching feelings when I knew you were suffering and I wasn't there. Thank god Greg was there for support. I couldn't concentrate on anything for weeks. I just sat here at the computer waiting for information....ok ok...so the facts were placed on the blog but that didn't apprise anyone of the personal emotional toll it was placing on everyone concerned, especially yourself. Despite all your careful advance preparations, you were totally helpless and dependent on others.
Text messages from Ruth S apprising me of situations and emergency trips to A & E. Then waiting for the results. I needed to KNOW!! Thank goodness I was able to phone Ruth S whenever she was available. The small amount of information I was getting from you made me wonder if you were perhaps trying to protect me and as I thought on that, I was quite angry then gathered that perhaps you weren't ready to share the facts......And then on talking to Ruth S, finding sometimes Ruth S did not know what you were telling me, that the right hand didn't seem to know what the left hand was doing...or why, although to be perfectly honest I am well aware now, that there were times when you really weren't able to. I'm also aware that I was made the meat in the sandwich, something that you and I did discuss in the middle of it. Things that you didn't want shared. So I guess it worked both ways.
Plus remembering what a private person you are, gathered you really didn't want to share the emotional upheaval you were going through. I so wanted to make the trip over but you had said quite emphatically NO NEED!! You said that you would have thought you were at death's door and no one had bothered to tell you.
I am so proud of my sister, Ruth S, who was so strong for you and I'll always be grateful for the support your employers gave you. My eternal thanks to all of you.
OK...so what did I learn that would benefit others? If you are able to, visit as often as you require. Information you receive doesn't give you the whole picture. It's reminded me to read between the lines. Being able to give them hugs and hold their hand, not only makes them feel better and less alone, but it will make you feel better too. There's not much else you can do, but offer your support to those at the battle face and not just for the sufferer but for those in the support crew.. Be assured Russell, that if there is ever a next time I'll take as many trips as I like and can afford.
Oh...and did I mention how much I love you? I was so very very glad when I finally made the trip and was able to hug you. But it will never take away the guilt I felt at letting others take the load. And despite not being there, will never forget the emotions I went through at each turn....the horror of what you were facing...or the little victories....Roll on Wednesday.
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