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2010 started with a bright outlook, I was getting to know my brother and spend time with him and old Family friend Chris and wife Pat.
There was Brent & Dawn's wedding, looking at houses, power boat racing, Saturday arvo at the Tavern, looking at cars, packing up your house and the move back to Totara Park.
I was seeing a new side of my Bro - the big decisions he had to make, some fun and some not so happy. But thru it all we got close,r seeing a new side to each other as we hadn't till then.
Then came the big bomb shell. “Cancer”. Keeping in mind that it is not often you hear the success stories, was I going to lose my Bro when I had just found him so to speak. The news sat me on my rear end, absolutely gob smacked me. Even though the specialists were positive about the success of proposed treatment it was emotionally destroying, but you pulled me into line, PMA, okay then give me a minute to pull myself together. Hat, coat, bata bullets, phone, okay all ready, now let’s do battle.
Little did we/I know then what I would need to be able to support you in this battle.
Then came the onslaught of medical appointments and their resulting information. Whoops what do I do with all this info at times it was hard to process what was going to happen next, but luckily you had a handle on this. I can see now that I was quite numb with all that I was hearing. I can only imagine how you felt.
We had our first sleep over when you had your teeth removed, and I think it was at this time that we went and got that infernal door bell buzzer. While this was an essential piece of equipment by the end I was ready to smash it to pieces (have you still got it and can I smash it that is LOL) I should say here that I am not a violent person, very passive really. But to sleep without it going off was like when a baby first sleeps thru the night and you wake up and rush in to check if they are okay.
Then came “Jake” such a blessing, but on insertion I am sure you wondered if the pain would be quite worth it. This was my first insight into nursing you. You were in the ward and very uncomfortable and very unsteady on your feet. Oh how assertive can I be. We need a zimmer to get you to the bathroom (you used one first ha ha) eventually they sorted out the amount of drugs you would need and you were much more comfortable. Thank goodness they were keeping you in for the night. I quickly learnt how to feed you thru Jake and give the required medication always had to be a bubble in the syringe no matter what I did or if it was a new syringe.
Life then returned to some sort of order, the calm before the storm really.
“Hugo” wow am I proud of you. As I am also very claustrophobic I could totally understand your panic attacks. I am glad I did not have to watch you during many of the radio therapy treatments. Doctors weren't worried about this - medicate for everything so they could get you thru treatment and we would pick up the pieces later.
Treatment finally began, yeah this was good. Didn't know you had such an aversion to needles - feeling does return to your hand if it has been squeezed as tightly as you squeeze at the sight even of a needle.
Our first trip to A&E was an education in itself. The time they take just to decide on what to give you and hey this is a F1 weekend I want to be home by midnight. We arrived about 4pm so shouldn't be a problem. The prescribed drug was morphine and the Wgtn Emergency Pharmacy closed at 11pm so I had to do the runner to get the prescription filled and as we had arrived in your car this would be my first drive of the Murph. Wow might've just been down the road, okay pull up those socks and just do it. Got back to A&E and they had given you a shot of morphine so I then had to drive us home (keeping in mind I wanted to be home by 12. Glad I had had a practise run without you in the car – Think you were as nervous as me. Yeah we got home just before 12, well done.
Our trips to A&E were always difficult as you were so sick and there was nothing I could do to make you comfortable, seeing you like this was heart wrenching. How does one explain how sick you were. Do you speak of the stooping posture or the shuffle when you walked, the unsteadiness on your feet, the look of despair in your eyes after you had been vomiting, your weight loss.
From here my life was well and truly put on hold so much was happening. I don't like thinking about this time as it really took a lot out of me emotionally and physically which I think I have just about recovered from.
What does a good night’s sleep mean? Well for me it was that infernal buzzer not going off or hearing your frequent trips to the bathroom, hearing you trying to move the phlegm and wondering if you were going to buzz or not. It was also a disturbed sleep for you but at least you would go straight back to sleep. Me it took a bit longer to fall into that deep sleep and then to be woken by that buzzer – Up and at ‘em, atom atom ant. During the worst period this meant waking every 4 hours to give top ups etc. Working during the day ending up at A&E that night and staying till they put you in a ward 5pm the next day. At least you had a bed for this time those chairs they have for the support person are just not conducive for sleeping in.
When does one eat when the smell upsets you so much? Arriving at your place after work and staying the night, what/when and how does one get food. If I was at work I could eat there yeah, nah.
A&E trips all night and the next day spending most of this time in A&E and no one else to sit with you so I could go and get some food and eat it – hello coffee and thanks Kylie & David and Lance for filling this gap.
Ringing the District Nurses was okay. They were always very helpful and understanding also encouraging me that I was doing all possible to keep you comfortable. Then came the time I had to call 111. This was most upsetting and I had trouble keeping in control, but the Ambulance staff were very good.
Our Sister, Faye. At times I envied her the distance from all that was happening. We were in the thick of it. Yes she had Scott to explain what was happening but did he pass on the emotional side of all that this entailed? I am not sure and I don' think we were much help in this either to her. I know I was just giving her the facts at times and not sharing how you were or the emotional side of what was happening, the time involved in A&E trips, the sleepless nights trying to keep you out of A&E or when you had had enough, why I wasn't at work when she thought I should be and even why I was so tired and didn't want to talk. It was good to see her in the flesh and talk thru with her the many happenings, this seemed to give me some sort of closure. Faye also suffered by not being here and I know she is aware of that but did what you asked of her – stay strong and support us with calls and listening. I must say she was a good listener. I understand her questions, though at times frustrating, you have to ask if you don't quite get it or understand why someone is so upset.
Lance, the quite unassuming quietly in the back ground person – what ever would I have done without him keeping my own home running smoothly, cooking me food, always ready with a cuppa when I arrived home. He was my rock thru all of this and there is no way I can ever repay him for all that he did. Like me, he did it because that is the sort of person he is. Also knowing that he was with you during the day helped me to be comfortable that someone who cared was with you.
Brent & Dawn, produced the most perfect gift right in the middle of all your treatment. A wee granddaughter. My car had a flat tyre and Lance's car kept beeping at me but you encouraged me to go down that night of her birth even though you were unsteady on your feet and feeling very unwell. You took some amazing photos of us all and these I will treasure always. I know the sacrifice you made to come with me.
Meltdowns (tears) these were a plenty and there are many people to thank for mopping up after me. Chris & Pat for one always available for visits or calls.
The Cancer Society – what a lot of support systems they have in place. Their support is for the sufferer not the support crew. So there was I, thinking no support here for me. There was one lady who did try to help me but there was never time to catch up with her in the flesh so to speak. Often she would leave a message on my phone just to see if I was okay.
A New Year has begun – The all clear has been given for this round – such a big yahoo from me. This round has been won, may there not be another round. Now is the time I can stand tall again and rebuild myself.
To take care of someone else you must first take care of yourself. At times I did not/could not and was unsure until writing this what I could have done to help me thru this.
Heather was a godsend she enabled me to get home more often to feed myself and gave me more time out to recover my energy level so I was better able to support you.
Of this I know - I was true to myself over this time I did what I could. Yes I suffered from burn out but who wouldn't. The cost was emotional and physical, one I gladly paid to help you thru the most trying of all times.
This round is over – well will be on Wednesday, so lets get back to having some fun.
Love you Bro and it is good to see you now looking so well and thanks for my new toys.
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